Saturday, May 29, 2010
This may sound stupid. Ok it is. Well, probably one huge factor why I haven't stopped this latest endeavor/pursuit/chase for
that one is 'cos of, yes believe it or not, my ego. That huge, ego of mine. And the cause of this effect? My huge, big, big mouth. Why should I tell so much people about my feelings. I should only let those who I am close to know. Yet, at times, just to feel good I tell more than the fair share of people that should know. And then, when in the end, I end one of my many pursuits, I feel like I look like a failure. Can never get it right.
But here's another dilemma. Why am I trying to please everyone around me? Even if I do give up, why should I care what people think of me? Why should I care whether they think I'm a failure? I have no time for that anymore. It's going to be June in a couple of days. And it'll be T -5 months left to the big one. I shouldn't really care about everything other than me right... But sometimes I just can't help it and do.
I think I should just. Step back. Look in the mirror. And realise what wrong I have done, man. I should be working to strengthen some of my existing friendships already. I think some of 'em are slipping away. And I don't want it to. I know I have not been making the effort. But I don't know what to do anymore. I know I was wrong to involve myself in other trivial crap, and with hockey resulting in me giving so much time in the past few months, I couldn't really help it on that part. But for the trivial shit, well yeah that's my fault.
I shouldn't be getting myself in things I cannot handle. Some things I have already, are actually valuable to me. And I've been really appreciative of some of the things my friends have told me. Some say I'm awesome... I'm a honest listener and talker... Someone nice to talk to. I mean maybe it's just to make me feel good, but I know these people who have told me such things are sincere. And no, I don't necessarily need people's comment to make me feel good. But sometimes it's good to be assured of yourself, by people other than yourself right? At least you know you are not deluding yourself at times. So to those people, I thank you.
In any case. I'm not going to say I've had enough, 'cos I've been saying that too many times, that I can't mean it anymore if I'm going to say it but not act it. I'm just going to say,
I'm going to step back, for now.Bye.
my thoughts at 12:22 am