It's going to be First of June in 2 hours time. First. Of. June. It felt like only a while ago I was like, shit, it's already First of May. Slow down people! I was discussing with some of my classmates this afternoon about study in life in Canada over lunch. One of 'em was emphasizing the fact that students in Canada have long breaks, numerous ones. Winter breaks, Christmas breaks, etc. And that the pace of life is much slower there, as is most Western countries. Maybe it's not our culture to be so slow paced. But I wish it could be that way, sometimes. I'm not even asking it to be all the time. 'Cos sometimes, a little fast and hurried work can be good. Sometimes*. One reason I'm trying my best to leave this place, if I can.
Oh and on the way to the MRT today from school. Well, it's a fact that Potong Pasir is being ran by an opposition party of Singapore, which means it is not under the ***. Hmm ironically, under one of the HDB flats between school and the MRT station, there's this *** kindergarten. It's not something new to me, 'cos my bro did go there once. So anyway, back to the point. It was one of the very few times I took a second's glance to look into the kindergarten, and then, I saw this poster reading "Potong Pasir Wants ***", and some other smaller words. Then I thought to myself: Are you sure 'bout that? Seems like public opinion shows otherwise. So yeah here's propaganda for you. It seems to me more like ironic propaganda. Hehh. Funny. Y'all should know what does *** stand for. I'm not wanting to get into trouble over some passing thoughts.
(:
my thoughts at 10:15 pm
Saturday, May 29, 2010
This may sound stupid. Ok it is. Well, probably one huge factor why I haven't stopped this latest endeavor/pursuit/chase for that one is 'cos of, yes believe it or not, my ego. That huge, ego of mine. And the cause of this effect? My huge, big, big mouth. Why should I tell so much people about my feelings. I should only let those who I am close to know. Yet, at times, just to feel good I tell more than the fair share of people that should know. And then, when in the end, I end one of my many pursuits, I feel like I look like a failure. Can never get it right.
But here's another dilemma. Why am I trying to please everyone around me? Even if I do give up, why should I care what people think of me? Why should I care whether they think I'm a failure? I have no time for that anymore. It's going to be June in a couple of days. And it'll be T -5 months left to the big one. I shouldn't really care about everything other than me right... But sometimes I just can't help it and do.
I think I should just. Step back. Look in the mirror. And realise what wrong I have done, man. I should be working to strengthen some of my existing friendships already. I think some of 'em are slipping away. And I don't want it to. I know I have not been making the effort. But I don't know what to do anymore. I know I was wrong to involve myself in other trivial crap, and with hockey resulting in me giving so much time in the past few months, I couldn't really help it on that part. But for the trivial shit, well yeah that's my fault.
I shouldn't be getting myself in things I cannot handle. Some things I have already, are actually valuable to me. And I've been really appreciative of some of the things my friends have told me. Some say I'm awesome... I'm a honest listener and talker... Someone nice to talk to. I mean maybe it's just to make me feel good, but I know these people who have told me such things are sincere. And no, I don't necessarily need people's comment to make me feel good. But sometimes it's good to be assured of yourself, by people other than yourself right? At least you know you are not deluding yourself at times. So to those people, I thank you.
In any case. I'm not going to say I've had enough, 'cos I've been saying that too many times, that I can't mean it anymore if I'm going to say it but not act it. I'm just going to say,
I'm going to step back, for now.
Bye.
my thoughts at 12:22 am
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Say I'm acting humble, I'm trying to conceal my 'arrogance'...
But really, the Gold medal doesn't mean much to me. Like some who shared with me and our hockey team last year, the medals don't mean a thing in the end. I mean, what's to say, in 5-10 years time, I'll look at the medal and think it's just another piece of metal collecting dust in some corner of the house? What about the (late) media coverage? It really doesn't mean much to me.
What I really do take pride and feel really happy about is the intangible stuff. The great memories, the wonderful moments, the immense honour of being able to compete alongside my wonderful, supportive teammates. What's more, helping make so many people happy, the supporters in the stands, even though for awhile... Those who have given me so much support and care. I mean, this is really all that matters to me. Bringing the school glory, serving SA so well. Repaying the faith the teachers and coach put in me. Just giving me the opportunity when they could so easily not have given.
I may sound altruistic. But yah, I'm kinda sincere with this. Well, why am I even reasoning...
(:
my thoughts at 9:34 pm
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
THE WEATHER IS SO HOT THAT I HAVE TO BLOG ABOUT IT. Ugh. The wintery conditions of Nov-Jan has been severely contrasted with this really, really, really, very, very humid and warm (severe understatement) weather recently. So frickin' hot. Time to turn off your water heaters, and turn on those air-conditioners. I wonder how high will the utilities bill fly.
The tie, ain't helping. The morning assemblies where you have to stand ain't helping. The long baggy pants ain't helping. Oh the times where the uniform was made of a thinner material and I wore short, nice cooling green pants to school. Oh yah, without tie, except for Wednesday afternoons.
I haven't been studying as hard these few days. Kinda fatigued and out of sorts recently. I don't know why. I think I need a day or two off before I start my June push. I really need it. Just a day or two with zero studying and just having a good time. Even that's easier said than done.
Remember, last time, in primary school, the definition we probably most sought after was the meaning of "school", 'cos we used to dread waking up so early, studying for exams and being disciplined all the time. Then in secondary school, that key definition for me was "place", or "position". Well of course not in terms of academics or CCA. But rather, our place amongst our peers, our classmates, our friends, or 'friends'. Where do we fit, and stuff?
But probably now, my the definition of JC is surely "friendship". Cliche most might see, but.. who can safely say they have a solid definition for this, which can fit into 50% of people's personal definition. I'm sure almost none, if not none, can say they can do that. What exactly are friends for? Just those who profit from one another. Or those who really care? Or are friends those who don't interact with each other much, but have some sort of bond that exist and can be felt immediately once they start spending time together?
Someone give me an answer. Thankyouverymuch.
Bye.
my thoughts at 9:18 pm
Sunday, May 23, 2010
I'm happy, 'cos I managed to do some substantial studying today, albeit alone at home.
I'm happy that I, for the first time and surprisingly so, played a full-field football game in SAJC last Friday. On an artificial turf against the J1s, I scored two.
I'm happy, 'cos I managed to go for a swim just now, especially that today was damn hot.
I'm happy, for many other reasons.
The only problem I have, probably isn't really a problem. It's more of an issue, of the heart.. or of the mind? I don't have an answer to this. But one thing I know is that I love my style of blogging, and no matter what nothing is going to change this. I want to be more natural, more myself. I say that all the time, but as most people say all the time, it's easier said than done. True to that saying, I can't do it, no matter how hard I try. I keep trying to be myself, successfully so for those who are closer to me, but in attempting to do so in front of others, I end up becoming someone I'm not, and never will be.
Why am I blogging? Maybe I want to look intellectual and all language-y, even when I may not be that intelligent or wise. Maybe it's just that this is the only way I can speak from my heart, or mind, for no other route or way of conversing works for me. I find it hard to apologize in person, I find it hard to be true to myself in person. I can do all this online, on MSN, Facebook, twitter, all this forms of social media. But when it comes to the crunch of the matter, life in reality itself, I fail.. bad. Most can testify to this failing of mine. Most probably don't though, 'cos they don't want me to feel bad. Some, do. And for their honesty, I am very appreciative, even if I appear hurt, momentarily.
Really adidas. You really think so?
Yeah right.
I need a little more luck than a little bit Cos every time I get stuck the words won't fit And every time that I try I get tongue tied I'll need a little good luck to get me by
Amen to that. (Disclaimer: This is, by no means, meant for anyone. Don't flatter yourself if you think I'm thinking of you. :D )
Ok end of this rant-cum-h2h.
Bye.
And yes, I'm happy.
my thoughts at 8:15 pm
Friday, May 21, 2010
Rob Thomas - Someday
And maybe someday We’ll figure all this out Try to put an end to all our doubt Try to find a way to make things better now and Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud We’ll be better off somehow Someday...
Hopefully...
my thoughts at 10:45 pm
Ah. After feeling kinda sick of my iTunes playlist yesterday, I've finally settled down with country and blues music for Friday night. And what a way to relax, especially to the likes of John Mayer and Eagles. This is really music, not those heavy metal shit that some deem as music. It's just pure music! Haha... Soothing as I relax my Friday night away. Although I'm not studying, I know tonight is really needed, after another past week of hard schooling and much thinking.
I better push my productivity levels up another notch this weekend. Really gotta get some of the revision out of the way now, it's gonna start cramming up in June if I procrastinate any further. Well its easier said than done, but at least I'm trying to prep myself to do it.
It's already going to be week 10! Can this slow down please?!!!!!!!?!?!??! This is way too fast. Although there has been really a big difference since Orientation or even Promos week, and that I always knew and told myself JC is going to past very fast, I don't want it to! It's too good a life, 'cept the academics part, I really really gotta enjoy this. Only 4 months of JC life left! And then we're all out in the real world fighting it out. Ah... Really love this experience, really changed me way a lot, and I really do see myself in a different, way different light. Hehh.
(:
Bye~!
my thoughts at 9:06 pm
Thursday, May 20, 2010
It's rather unfortunate that the last final for Team SA this year couldn't end with a bang, or in simpler terms, another gold. Well the soccer boys did put up a good fight, but the performance just wasn't there. There was grit, there was much effort, but the skill they showed in the games previous just didn't show just now. And so yah, the second half goal that halved the deficit was the only cheer we could muster in the whole game. :(
On a more serious note. I think this is all natural to me. I can never stop myself.
T -5months
Time to REALLY move on, and get over it.
GET GOING.
AH SHIT. THERE'S NO POINT THINKING 'BOUT ALL THIS. WHY DO I STILL DO THINGS THAT I KNOW WILL NOT BENEFIT ME IN ANYWAY?
Why.
Remember Darren, remember. SELF-INTEREST.
my thoughts at 10:15 pm
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Maybe this post may seem familiar. But yah anyway, here goes (yet again?)...
I'm sick of all this already. Tired and fatigued with the thought of having millions of thoughts racing through my mind when I'm just walking along the corridors. It seems I can never get this right, and I never will. Time has come when I'm stop going to be hunting, and for a change, I'll wait to be hunted. Till then, or till the end of this year, I guess I'm done with all this nonsense and scouring.
I've seen those around me find their one. Some still in the process, some falling off course, some not doing so well, but I can't even get the ignition (spark).
Time to concentrate on the larger and more important things on life. I shall stop all my ramblings and thoughts on them. I don't want to seek that one anymore, at least not this year. That's it for me. I don't want to do this to myself anymore.
I'm done.
The constant thoughts on what I should do, what I did wrong, what should I have done actually, what does this mean, that mean. Is it really that worth it to know what someone else thinks? My mindset now should all be me, me and.... me. Nothing more, it's all me now.
Selfish. No more helpful Darren or accommodating Darren.
Lies and harsh criticisms seem to be much better than superficial thank yous and false gratitude.
Everything I do now, I do for myself.
Self-interest. Period.
my thoughts at 12:00 am
Saturday, May 15, 2010
In a team, there are eleven players. These players usually have two choices: to be individuals, or to play as a team. Well the obvious choice is to play as a team, right? But not everyone thinks that way, which to me kinda sucks. Guess I'll be left with a void when I recall my JC experience. Sorry if I had offended anyone earlier today. Didn't mean it that harshly.
Many people see my other side too often. The superficial one. I mean I can be both serious and joking, it just depends who I'm with. And I'm really comfortable with either one. But I think most just like the superficial side of people... Don't blame 'em, though. Kinda natural to desire such aspects of people.
Can someone tell me what I did wrong? IF I did anything wrong. Like in the face. Criticize me with all the harshness you have. Whether I sucked at this or that, just tell me! Don't keep me in the dark! It sucks to be in the shadows with everyone turning the light away from you, you know that. Just tell me what's wrong!!!
my thoughts at 12:16 am
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I walked into the CCA store to go grab my goalkeeper gear. Training was soon going to begin. Soon enough, Mr Soh came in, trying to sort some of the mess in the CCA store. Someone on my left, whom I cannot remember, asked about the numerous dusty-looking helmets lined up, left idling on top of the cabinets. Mr Soh looked at the helmets, paused, had a short ponder. And then he went on, commenting about the past 'keepers that once wore those old helmets. He then went something along these lines, "woah these keepers uh... some of them are legends man".
Only recently have I recalled that short and seemingly trivial comment, I finally realized that, at that moment, I knew I wanted to be one of those, that future 'keepers will look at that blue helmet (if left idling on the cabinets like the others), and be told of the 'keeper I was. Not the one that helped win SA's first A'Div, but the one that worked hard enough to have done so.
I just can't seem to get over those memories of that night. I'm still living in that past. It still makes me smile even when I'm walking alone, thinking 'bout that wonderful, glorious night. May I never forget, but may I also never dwell on it for too long. There's much more for me to achieve in life.
Especially in 6 months time...
my thoughts at 10:21 pm
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
It's quite sickening to always feel sleepy in school. There seems to be no way to stop this constant restlessness or tiredness. Sleep early? No use. Sleep late? Even worse. Is there something I can like eat so I'd stay awake? But yet not make me put on weight at the same time. LOL. It's kinda irritating 'cos I really want to study yet I can't pull myself out of a half-slumber to concentrate. Lessons are even worse. I really don't like falling asleep in class. But sometimes it just can't seem to be helped.
Another thing. It's probably best I get back to earth. That (perceived) euphoria that I had should be shoved away. I shouldn't think too much of it. Anyway I also know my odds. I do know that a year has made me change quite a bit, and yes, I know what I should not do and what I should not put myself through. Especially that it's only 6 months left to 'A's. Full steam ahead.. academics wise. (:
C'mon just forget 'bout it.
my thoughts at 10:20 pm
Sunday, May 09, 2010
I am so freakin' scared for Tuesday. I just want Tuesday to come and go and just let CMPB take my blood like now. What the shit man, why do they have to take blood from so many places. And the most ironic thing is when Ms Sin showed us Gattaca after school on Friday, there was like blood-taking as well with the usage of needles that were super thick. I just know I'm gonna die on Tuesday. I better start praying. I've been dreading this moment ever since that time I set my medical checkup date a few months ago.
Please let me have the universal remote so I can fast forward Tuesday.
Let me sleep on Monday night and wake up on Wednesday.
my thoughts at 12:06 am
Thursday, May 06, 2010
I. really. need. to. REFOCUS.
Set my eyes on the prize.
Forget all the trivial stuff that's only temporary to now and probably not going to affect me in the future.
C'mon. This is not going to be the first time I flopped at the last hurdle. I've done it twice already in the past 11 years. I can't fail. Not now.
AAA | A
my thoughts at 10:00 pm
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
I don't get why people like to compare their situation with others. You chose to get yourself into that situation. So quit whining, suck it up, and get on with it. I got myself into this unfamiliar position last year with hockey. Trainings were tough, long, and rather irritating at times. It didn't bother me. I sucked it up, and went on with life. I didn't turn my back or give anyone the cold shoulder. I tried to be as accommodating as possible. It was a challenged I posed myself. And well I got my just rewards, in the end.
So, point here is, this is no communist state. Whatever shit you are in, it's mostly 'cos of you that you are in that predicament. Don't extend the shit you have to others, even if you don't know you are doing it unknowingly. It's okay to share your troubles through conversation. But please don't be selective.
And I don't see how one can complain about their predicament. When, prior to and even after the important parts of the day, you seem to be all fine and okay. Then when it comes down to the hard parts, you crumble.
I know some people are more important than others. Popularity is what matters nowadays. Yes I know. But I do know one other thing. It's the popular ones who couldn't care less.
my thoughts at 6:42 pm
Monday, May 03, 2010
How does one drive himself to be so obsessed and crazy over the perfectness of the opposite sex?
my thoughts at 10:03 pm
Sunday, May 02, 2010
Utter nonsense. Disgraceful. Disturbing.
I don't really hate the scoreline. 2-0 loss. Okay, fine. Chelsea's gonna win the title, Man Utd's attempt to overtake Liverpool's 18 championships is going to be stopped. Fine. But not with a performance like that, at Anfield, wearing the famous red of Liverpool. I don't normally blog about football these days but this performance was just really a disaster.
Still, I don't buy Stevie G's back pass was intentional, though the lax attitude all around the team could have contributed to him taking a pass he doesn't normally make. He's a pros, and pros don't do stuff to intentionally throw a match, only for cash maybe.
Okay so now what? This July/August. There better be major changes, in the boardroom, in the dressing room, and probably the manager's office. First off, the flops to offload, even if it's throwing them out for free. Reserve keeper Diego Cavalieri's already on his way out, so too should be Fabio Aurelio, Philipp Degen, Sotirios Kyrgiakos, Albert Riera and Nabil El Zhar. It's really the last chance for players like Ryan Babel and Alberto Aquilani. Lucas is a dilemma. But it's not like Liverpool's gonna sign a world-class midfielder anyway.
Who to buy? They've gotten left-winger-cum-striker Milan Jovanovic and midfield propsect Jonjo Shelvey. Firstly, a striker of a good pedigree would help. Dirk Kuyt and David N'Gog HAS to be third choice strikers at best. Carlton Cole, Carlos Tevez and Gonzalo Higuain has been sighted, though the latter two will look very unlikely. A winger who can play on both sides would help, or a playmaker that can feature at the sides of the offensive area of midfield. Guti, Rafael van der Vaart has been mentioned, and they look like feasible options that can FINALLY provide some CREATIVITY Liverpool is lacking since Xabi Alonso's departure.
Next up, left-back. Aleksandar Kolarov has been mentioned. 'Cos they really need some competition for Emiliano Insua and Daniel Agger just can't attack from left-back. Centre back needs some cover too. Jamie Carragher's not getting any younger, and Kyrgiakos is really bad. Velez Sarsfield's young centre-half Nicolas Hernan Otamendi has been mentioned in the press. But this position really isn't a priority.
Some youngsters should really get a chance, there's no harm anyway. Dani Pacheco, Damien Plessis, Martin Kelly, Daniel Ayala and Gerardo Bruna should get a run in the Cup teams. They can't be any worse than what was on show just now.
Argh. Owners out. Benitez? Maybe out too.
Liverpool is on life support now in the intensive care unit.
What an emergency.
my thoughts at 10:34 pm
Saturday, May 01, 2010
Recently, I don't have the mood to blog.. or really to do anything. Maybe it's the advantages and benefits of using twitter! Like, can sms tweets from school and stuff, so yah, more convenient to faster put what I'm thinking online, lest I'll forget it once I come home and try to blog.
Haiy, damn bored. I'm still glad I can get to talk about some stuff with friends of mine. That's what they're really there for right, just joking. But yah it's good to have your inner circle. Or else you'd just break down and just die with your problems in your heart. I don't know what I'm talking about anyway. Ugh I just want to discover something to give me back my motivation and desire.