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Am I really feeling a burn out? I think it's rather too early for that, ain't it... I really don't know what is happening to me. Without having hockey now, I don't seem to have that drive I had before. I'm getting more and more distracted, with the wrong things, and I'm veering somewhat off course. I used to have that motivation of having hockey and wanting to prove to myself that I can be a sportsman and at the same time get good academic grades.

Well I proved that last year already for Promos. Despite having to compete in Div'3 I still achieved my highest ever rank points total of 60. I felt good 'cos of it, having been able to finally prove myself. But then MSA1 came at the start of this year and everything has went downhill during season, academic-wise. Of course, I didn't manage to do as well whilst coping with the rigors and stresses of season.

Now with no more CCA and having so much time, I suddenly seem to have lost that drive, determination and motivation to go study. I want to, but I seem to have left something somewhere along the way. Maybe I feel drained from hockey. Maybe I haven't had a proper, good rest from season. I didn't really give myself a right deserving rest after season. So maybe that's what's affecting me? I don't know. I really don't.

I really need a one week totally-no-study week to just relax and chill. But that's NOT going to happen! There's just no time for R&R. One thing's for sure, I need to stop being so distracted and rediscover that drive to do well.

How to? I'm still thinking.

And to think I thought everything will be so fine after season, with the added time to study and stuff. Quite the contrary, really.

I need to talk about it to someone/people. I just need to let it out. Someway. Somehow. Someday. And I know it'll all be okay soon enough.

Bye...

Seems like the only really bad thing about not having hockey anymore is the lack of an excuse! To things like not studying, feeling tired... There's no more "training just now, sleep luh now". So it's like, if I go to bed real early 'cos I really want to, there's this huge guilt that I have. Plus the fact I'll feel sleepy in class regardless of the time I sleep the night before, it just adds up to a bunch of bullshit.

It's around 6 months to the 'A' Levels. I remembered I did say once I never wanted A'Divs to end, 'cos after A'Divs would be 'A's and after 'A's would be army. So yeah I kinda did not want JC life to end, so quickly. (C'mon it's already coming to May!). 3/8 of JC2 is over already. Now my thoughts aren't really that I'm lovin' JC so much that I don't want it to end, but I wouldn't really dread that time is running out for my Pre-U education. It wouldn't pain me if JC would end very soon. Maybe the hockey, the memories, the friends I've made would be the biggest miss, but the academics and everything, although refreshing and new compared to secondary school, is starting to be a bit of the pain in the ass and I really want to like sleep and chill for one full week. No school, nothing.

You may say, how 'bout June holidays? There's 4 weeks to choose from. Well, once I let up on one week for studying, I'll basically be screwed for 'A's. So yah, there's no respite until December. That thought, is just so so tiring to think of. And now I even feel guilty for being on the comp now, even just one night. That's what stress does to you, makes you think, hard, about yourself and what you're doing.

This sucks.

I still enjoy going to school. The fun and everything. The laughter. But all this are just secondary when you compare to the end goal everyone has in their own minds.

Bye.

It's been over a week already. But still, thanks guys.

What a wonderful journey.

We got up onto that stage. We gave our all. We put in the performance of our lives. And at the end of that performance, we got off stage... Satisfied, joyous, and we definitely deserved everything we got thereafter.

This week has been one of kinda lack of sleep. I just don't know when I had a proper sleep this week, and when I mean that I mean like 7 hours of pure snoozing. No dreaming, whatever. (By the way, dreaming sucks when you just wake up knowing that it was JUST a dream, damn.) Well anyway, many thoughts have raced through my head recently. Not that I totally enjoy it, but at least I know my brain is working, albeit sometimes in the wrong way. Oops.

But first. I PASSED my NAPFA test. And when I say passed, I mean silver. And when I say NAPFA test, it's not the one day do 5 stations one day do 2.4km run thing, it's everything TOGETHER. Okay true I got a little chance for the standing broad jump, but overall I just managed to scrap through my weaker stations and now I've finally got my first silver in. my. life. I've always just failed or got a measly bronze. So I decided to indulge myself in a foot-long SUB, something 'healthy', right?

So I'm glad I've gotten that out of the way. I've gotten most of what I want this year already, just that there's just one thing I want but I just cannot have. :(


"Darren needs to put in more effort in his studies" I'm kinda amused yet pissed at this remark in my recent progress report via snail mail. I mean, yes I did badly for every subject, not getting more than 50 for any of 'em, but I did get the pass. I've almost never gotten such a remark before, and I'm sure it was some choice that is generated for teachers to select if they're super lazy and something.

Fridays used to be training + dinner with team-mates day. Nowadays, it's just studying and dinnering at home. Doesn't really suit me that well, but at least I get to relax and just don't study on Friday nights. Well I guess I have to wait for everyone's CCA to end before I can get my friends back! I'm such a loner, mugger now! :(

Have you ever had something you wanted so badly but you just knew, deep down, you just won't and can't have?

Bye~!

Today, I bid farewell to my beloved goalkeeper pads (that I've held on for a year plus) and said a nice hello to my PW results. Hmm, it was good. I'm rather pleased with my group's overall general results, especially after the difficulty we had gone through at the start of last June. I'm sure everyone remembers it oh too vividly. I don't think the rank points was the most important thing to me. Sure I got the maximum up for grabs, but I rather prefer to look at the grade as a reflection of the huge amounts of hard work and effort I put into both aspects of PW, the individual one and the group work. Yet again, thank you SA147!

You know, sometimes, some things, just cannot be explained. Most of the time, we just find our lame excuses and reasons to justify our (lack of) actions. I'm sure most of us will testify to the fact that we can never reason out everything. One thing I know is that I don't think I'm totally over it, even if I do look like it. Maybe its my past experiences that have led to my better composure, maybe it's just the fact that my mindset has changed. Either way one thing's for sure, I think I was lying to myself last year, when I said I'm over it.

:)

Bye.

HONESTLY. I DON'T GET HOW TO DO AQ (application question). I mean, there is just NO link between examples that you are suppose to put forth with the arguments you select from the passage. I JUST DON'T GET IT. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TEACH ME? I want to ask my tutor, but I can't seem to find the right time. And whatever I'd ask would sound like I'm not listening in class, even when I do and try to understand but can just never get it. And it sucks worse when the f-ing question is seriously really very complicated in nature and f-ed up.


I'm probably just frustrated with all this studies and shit. Looking at the shitty BT1 grades I got, maybe I'm starting to get worried. Plus the fact I'm worrying myself with other trivial shit ain't helping. I should stop, but some part of me doesn't want to stop these trivial nonsensical trashy junk in my head. I need to concentrate on my studies now. No more excuses, already. I want to be a 'A' Levels straight As Championship-winning goalkeeper. I know that is quite unreachable and really very difficult to get AAA | A. And I know myself that my academic abilities are limited. But I do wanna try. I'll work myself to the ground if that's want it takes.

I just hope I have some company for this ride, sooner or later.

I think I am interested, just that I don't know if its mutual. I might never know.


Bye.

I swear there are gonna be people who support me in saying this: Singtel's mioTV suck. State-of-the-art technology? My ass. Check out the already market leader Starhub's set-top box. It takes just at most 5 seconds to turn on. What about that f-ing mio? It takes like almost 10 minutes at times to on. Showing me that stupid purple "mioTV" screen really pisses me off, especially when I just woke up in the middle of the night wanting to faster on the TV and see Liverpool's scoreline. Damn the bloody mio, if it doesn't have some God-like feature that can pawn and own Starhub's set-top box hands down, they can go suck balls.



So after overcoming one aspect of my JC life thus far, I have to start to overcome two new, actually not really new, obstacles. Let me elaborate on one of them first.

NAPFA.

My 2.4km run isn't the best. Ok it sucks as bad as the mio. 12.30 is usually the norm I can get, without the 5 stations before it, so I'm like fresh and everything. Only my shuttle run, sit-ups and pull-ups are okay, don't believe I'm saying that for pull-ups. My sit and reach is almost there!! But the stupid standing broad jump sucks bad. So I still gotta trainnn. I'm screwed I don't want to go in 2 months early.

Second thing I need to overcome... :D

You know I know you know!


Bye~!

I always knew that this win was important to me and to everyone else of the hockey team. Little did I know, however, how greatly it would affect others around me. We're the first sports team of Team SAJC to win a championship in 2010, and I definitely hope we're not the last. I'll definitely support the other CCAs as they try to win their very own championships. I never knew we would be an inspiration to the other sports teams, but nonetheless I'm glad we can and we are, and I really hope that SA will be 1st in most of the sports come May! (:


Hmm. I hate it when I need to use what's left of my social skills. Really very irritating to have to navigate through tricky situations. Darn it. I try to avoid, also no use. Damn joke mans.

Bye~!

Was it a dream?

Haha it definitely wasn't.

But it indeed was a fairytale ending, the one we all wished for.I've been second, and third before. Now I'm first!

:D

These are the moments life is worth living for.

Great moments so unbelievable, I dare not believe I've just experienced it.

We didn't play our best, but we fought our hardest. We got several lucky breaks, the one shot one goal goal, the RJ hit that hit the post. But I don't care, 'cos we did it. I did another thing I didn't expect I'd be able to do again, I saved another penalty stroke, for which I still don't know why it was given. To be honest, we definitely got owned by RJ, but fortune favours the brave and we were brave today, no doubt. And thank God, He must really have been looking down on us today. (:

But, we done it. Simple as that. RJ's seven year streak is finally over. And I still can't believe I'm part of this great 2010 SA Hockey team that achieved it.

Many thanks to the SA supporters, they were exceptionally great. The councillors, everyone that came down to support. My classmates who came down just to watch us, thank you very much too. I'm so happy that I helped made so many people happy today, and just the thought of achieving first place for SAJC is definitely one of my finest achievements thus far.

This team has also been unbelievable. The defence that helped me get all those clean sheets was exceptional, I would never have gotten all those clean sheets had I not had such a great defence in front of me. That I thank the most. Even Doyong's first runner run out was exceptional today, blocking two drag flicks, giving me lesser work to do. Like my previous post, I'm so glad and honoured to have served this great team. I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. Even the memories surpass the Gold medal in terms of value.

When the final whistle blew, we all just went berserk. Well, I did... Hugging Keane was my first reaction and we all just tumbled down with everyone else on us. It was awesome. Thanking the supporters was awesome. I hugged like 20+ males today. Haha, what an experience.

Really much thanks to all the teachers and coaches. And to my wonderful team. It has been such a great A'Div journey. And the only pity is that it just ended today.

:D What a great day.

Bye~!

Tomorrow will be the day, for me, for us Saints Hockey. I really don't know what to make of tomorrow's game. It will definitely be the most difficult game I've ever played, the most pressurized game, and hopefully, it'll be the game I enjoy the most. I really hope I enjoy tomorrow's moments to the max, and of course, never forget.

I've had great memories of this A'Div so far, I've loved every moment of it, and I hope tomorrow will end on a high note, regardless of the scoreline, regardless of the result. I hope tomorrow, I'll see everyone playing their hardest, fighting their hardest for each other, staying mentally strong, feel the passion of the game, and hopefully, we'll triumph, in more ways than one.

The atmosphere tomorrow will be an unbelievable one, one I've never played in, and most probably never will again. I just wanna thank those who will come down to support us tomorrow, it'll be invaluable.

Honestly, regardless of tomorrow's result, I'm fortunate to have this great honour to serve this hockey team of 2010. Who would have thought, or would I have thought at the end of 2008, I would join hockey in JC? Let alone try out for goalkeeper. I wasn't meant to be goalie as first, but as fate would have it, and with the rest history, in the end I was chosen to be one. It's been such a huge honour to have went through all this with this great team, and I honestly wouldn't trade any of this for anything else. Even if we return with a silver tomorrow, I'll still be proud we made it so far.

And on the end of this note. Let's all pray for a great, fighting performance tomorrow.

And lastly,

Up and On, Saints!


Bye~!

I've studied history for three years already. Maybe that's why my mind is tuned like that. For the first two years the screams of checking for reliability, reliability, reliability and inference, inference, inference has definitely made me someone who loves to read people's actions, behaviors and most importantly, motives and thoughts.

At times, it's a good thing. Other times, I may seem just rather too sensitive. But at least, for one, I know I'm not stupid. I have this seriously (sometimes overdone) tendency to look into people's action, even friends, and analyze whether they have any negative intentions or motive. Of course, I do not speak of it even if my gut feels something amiss or wrong, not to affect any relations, at least not on the surface, that is.

Another thing. Life goes on, despite disappointments. It doesn't really matter to me anyway. I kinda expected that it'd turn out this way. Not that it'll affect me that greatly.

I don't know why I'm talking about this. But it's just something I had to get off my chest.

I seriously doubt those around me. Even till now. Cautious I may seem, it's the only way forward.

Bye.

Finals 2010. We've made it, somehow. We might not have done it the pretty way we were expected to do so, but to me, we're there. Would we have wanted to play pretty hockey (a la the Arsenal way) but lose to the odd goal? Maybe, but of course I'd rather be where we are now. We've learned a lot from the hard-fought CJ game, the complacency of the IJ game, the character we personified in the RJ game. So now, we just need one more super game against the mighty Rafflesians. Just one more. Everyone must be a 10/10, if not 11/10. Just another hour or so of hockey, and this will all be over. Just push for this last hour come Friday, and I'm confident it'll all come to fruition. I don't want to be the eighth school team in the past eight years to shake those hands of RJ feeling sad and distraught. We might be severe underdogs again, but I hope, at least we try our very, very best.

Hmm today a lot of our players got green cards, including myself. I got my minute in the spotlight yet again, this time albeit for the wrong reasons. I really need to check my temper just for one more game. Concentrate fully on the game, ignore the referee and his bullshit decisions. Hmm, my A'Div has had everything, penalty stroke save, green card, clean sheets. Now for one more piece of magic, and that Gold.

I'm seriously, very exhausted after today's semis. I need to get a good massage and a good sleep.

Thanks to the SAJC supporters today. I really eat my words about what I thought bout y'all. Fair play and great support we received!!

All e best to the girls tomorrow! Make it a double final!

Bye!

In less than a week's time, it will all be over. Can I believe it? Nope, of course not. Tomorrow shall be dubbed semi-finals day, for both the boys' and girls' team, for obvious reasons. Tomorrow's semi-finals will be in itself a final. It must be looked that way, nothing less. Well we're up against another tournament favourite, VJC, so in essence, considering the fact their crowd would be much better than ours, it will be a really, really tough match. I'm confident, but I'm not taking anything for granted. Never have I been complacent, never I will be now. Well one thing to note is that I hope I am able to focus well enough tomorrow, I don't want to let in cheap goals or give away cheap penalty corners. Just not worth it. Even if we lose, at least we lose with heart and loads and loads of effort. Touch wood though.

It's hard to believe season's ending so soon, and my 1+ year hockey 'career' is ending so soon. Seems so surreal. I will definitely talk bout my thoughts once season is over. And hell will I miss this sport I only fully learned about last year. Hmm...

Pray for us. Wish us the best. This will be our time to shine, regardless.

Bye.

BT1 is such a screw up, already. Got back two papers last week, physics and math, and a total of 15 rank points out of a possible 40 was achieved. Disappointed, of course, and unwilling to use hockey as an excuse. Well, at least not yet. I also knew that there was a time when I felt like giving up, I'm sure some knew about that, but I decided, hey why not persevere on and just see what happens? After all, it's only BTs, not the actual 'A's. So I thought like, even if I do badly, I won't be affected that bad.

And how wrong I was. I (don't know why, don't know how) expected myself to maybe achieve a high target of a B for my physics, or more realistically a C or D... Yes, I got an S in the end. That was slightly disappointing, would be a huge understatement. Well goes to show, the higher the climb, the harder the fall. My math, E, was more expected, and more of a relief for me, as I struggled to find 40 solid marks during the paper. So. My 60+ rank points target seems off? To say the least. And yes I was joking when I said I thought I could get into the Hall of Fame. Haha! So yah, if I flunk BT2s I'm really screwed. Zero excuses then. (Though I never want it to come actually, I love JC life too much now)


Dilemma. Enigma. Confusion. I just can't seem to find the word(s) to describe this new, albeit same old, situation I'm stuck in. Should I? Shouldn't I? This is probably the first time my mind is actually psyched and almost ready to go for it. But time and time again, I find myself excuses not to go. Why? I don't know. What I know is that I've never done this before, nor have I tried. So this would be a first in my many historical firsts.

Well in essence, after season, I really have nothing to lose already. If it doesn't work out, or if I fall at the first hurdle, well fine. The talking and rumors won't affect me, 'cos I can just ignore 'em without any possible huge repercussions. And then again, I have to feel my first rejection to get anywhere in the future.

Now the main question is, what if it isn't a rejection? Oh no and what am I gonna do then?

Bye.

The ref was really crap this morning. Torres got kicked about at the ankles time and time again by the Benfica defenders, and what does he do? Only book 'em. When Babel was trying to push a really loud Luisao away, he got sent off. The ref lost control of the game. The Benfica defenders are dirty. Period. Wait for the Anfield treatment.


So anyway, today had a really fun time at Mark's with SA147. Waited two hours for Mai to come, but after that we played GH for super long. Then after that we played the card game 99? Haha. The forfeits were funny. But at least I didn't have to eat the chili. (: Hmm really great times. Found something new to do during PW meetings already. Not always just GH :D


Tomorrow will be the start of the prep for Monday.

Bye~!

Lenny
Joseph
Hua Peng
Sei Yee
Kelvin Kartoyo
Melvin
Seng Yew
Samuel C
Celeste
Mark

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