Sunday, March 07, 2010
I still remember how down I was at a particular time last year. I wouldn't say heartbroken, maybe heart pain. It definitely wasn't the nicest feeling. It definitely wasn't a really big time either. But it was another step in helping me understand the complexities of all this. It could certainly be the reason why I'm so/more hesitant, cautious and unwilling to commit my interest totally. It was also the first time I had such a real feeling, a really down feeling. It's hard to describe. But on hindsight, maybe I needed to go through such an experience. Many questions I still have left unanswered, of which I have no desire to look back into and seek such. Sometimes it's best to leave it as it is, and I'm sure this is the case now. It definitely wouldn't benefit anyone.
And like many other posts past, I feel this year has been good to me, so far. I can safely say I've been able to be really myself. I'm not trying to sell anything unlike the year gone by. Some aren't happy with what they get from me, but to whom I have little concern for. I've learn to better control my emotions, feelings, interests and to always know: you can't have everything you want.
Most around me are attached, or on the way to being attached. Yes, I do envy them at times, as they seem to be really happy with their companionship. But, I do know that beyond the surface, there are cracks in problems and some differences, hard to settle, troublesome. That's probably my only
excuse for being single. Just almost exactly a year ago, I was blinded (almost quite literally), and only in mid-year did I cleared my vision and saw the negatives, and boy did I see many. I knew my
standard had dropped, but the next one after that, I can safely say my
standards didn't drop, even if some say it did. But in any case, I'm happy as it is now, and with this year being ever so important, I'll take the passive route. I don't want to be distracted anymore. Really. Period. I just don't want to.
It's not fun, most of the time, when you act differently in front of
one particular person. Or you just can't hold it together at times.
I think I just haven't matured enough yet for this sort of thing.
But then again, when do you ever know when you're mature enough for anything? Let alone this...
Bye.
my thoughts at 12:44 am