Wednesday, February 03, 2010
I'm starting to doubt whether I'm good enough for hockey as a 'keeper, or good enough for anything, really.
People say,
'you must believe in yourself, push yourself'.
But the thing is, I'm not sure whether I have the physical or mental toughness to push myself to something I have never reached before; or whether I'm brave enough to do anything correct.
'Don't be afraid to make mistakes', some may say.
That's what exactly I'm not. I'm conscious of the mistakes I make, I think of them the whole day, sometimes even more if it's something I really did not want to get wrong.
I try to distract myself with anything in the world I can find, sometimes unconventional, sometimes trivial, but what else can I do?
Now it seems the going is gonna get tougher than it already is. Evidence can be seen with my history grade for this MSA. And to think it's just MSA, without maximum intensity training yet, and yet I couldn't study well
enough for it.
Season's gonna start in 4 weeks. BT1 is in another month or so. Training is almost 4 days a week. I better use my weekends more wisely now. Saying is much more simpler than doing, right? Yup, true for me too. But I'll still try. Consistent work pays off,
evidently. Well, this was what I signed up for last year, the challenge of juggling sports and school. And the beginning of such a difficult one is looking desperately hard to keep up with.
Sleep is also almost such a invaluable intangible item now. Even when I sleep for at least
7 hours, I still can doze off in class. But during breaks, I'm like so full of energy. I need to learn how to hibernate during breaks, especially if I'm not doing work during the break.
And the timetable isn't very helpful either. Some days, full of long breaks, some days, one short miserable 30minute break. And the timing of the breaks, 10plus, 2plus. Can't it be like around 1plus? More lunchtime-like? With more breaks, you eat more when you're in the caf. With just one miserable break, you just eat that instance, and go hungry for the rest of the lessons after that. I just don't get it.
There is motivation to do well, to strive and work hard. To get that Gold, to get those As. But the current stresses of juggling both is difficult. And to think after the season, I'll be so free, and have to study, AND miss hockey at the same time, at some stage.
It's already 10pm. I think I should go.
I need to rediscover my boundless energy, I THINK I used to have. Ugh.
Can someone be my superman tonight?
Bye.
my thoughts at 9:42 pm