Monday, October 05, 2009
I feel so cold. Not in the weather-type cold. But just cold inside. It's like I'm emotionless somewhat. Almost nothing can be done to make me feel any worse. It's like I've turned into a rock inside. Could it be from being numb from last night's loss of Liverpool to Chelsea? Can't be. I've never reacted like this to a defeat. At most, I'll just be damn sad and angry for awhile, but the next morning, I'll be fine again knowing the Reds would win the week after.. or so I thought.
I've promised myself to not get angry this week. Not even once. Irritated's fine, but not pissed off. And what a week I chose to do this, during PW Week. Things have not gone to plan for day 1 in my opinion. I'm finding it hard to deal with the fact that I'm given menial or trivial tasks, even though I should try my best to lead. Well seems I should take a backseat now, let others have a leading role then. Ah but it's fine, even when people are trying to get me to be angry. I can deal with it. I have dealt with much worse in my short lifetime anyway. This shouldn't be a problem. It's a good challenge anyway.
But from what I thought of being happy and all, since I can't be angry, seems to be hard. Not being allowed to let go off any anger, just keeping it in, putting on a little smile, it's quite hard. Well some would argue, it's not my nature to not be angry, but I'm trying; 'cos I know this is for the better! Well, I'm gonna try anyway. So whose gonna stop me? (:
Maybe I've turned kinda cold is that I've accepted some realities now. It's like I'm used to it nowadays. Less willing to complain. It's so sian to complain. Doesn't get you anywhere, never will; but still, sometimes, it's necessary. I think I've gotten used to the fact that this silence and awkwardness between us will always be there, and that there are those I know will never like me for who I am, and feel they have the free reign to put me down and squash me whenever they want. Well, now.. I don't care anymore. I used to, but now, I've suddenly realised it's no use. These people don't matter to me, as much as those I care for. If putting me down is what they want, they will get it, but don't be surprised if I put you down too? :) Just kiddin'... =)
Haiy. Emotionless. Now for the first time I can't be called emo. (:
Bye.
my thoughts at 9:16 pm