Sunday, August 16, 2009
Wow. How things have changed.
I thought I would be better off now, but recently, I've been getting more frustrating, just feeling a bit off the mark. I feel like I'm Xabi Alonso, but my 50-yard passes aren't reaching Albert Riera's big toe at the other end of the pitch. It's all gone astray. I feel like I'm Stevie G, but I'm static at the edge of the box, not making my lung bursting runs into the box to meet the crosses. I feel like I'm Fernando Torres, but I just can't get past 3 defenders at once and slide the ball past the keeper. Nothing is really going right at the moment, nothing is just nice.
It's a feeling of drifting-like that's worrying me. I'm easily distracted, easily tempted to not study. I don't feel as motivated as I was during the last two weeks of the June holidays. It's like, I'm not worried bout promos, when it's just a month plus away. It's 60%. It's a lot, even though I did decently in the CTs. I have to get through the weekly hockey match, I have to play every minute of Div3 essentially, for obvious reasons. I can't seem to get things right. All seems amiss.
All this, I find, down to one defining moment in my life so far. That moment, or event in itself, caused much distress and probably sadness, but it was a wake-up call of sorts to me,
that for all I am, there's much I'm not. I don't know how I came up with that line, but it just flowed out of me. This one defining moment, was 'indirectly' inflicted onto me. It felt sad at the time, but anger soon flowed, more like frustration; but still... It wasn't the best thing that happened to me. For the first time, this was real, I knew there was something, but I also knew I shouldn't have let it happened. Yet it did, and I guess now's the consequence. It's like I tried to play in a through ball for Fernando Torres, but being Stevie G and all, I didn't thread the pass through as perfectly as I usually do, and this meant a counter-attack that led to a goal conceded. Even though it's not all of me, I feel like I take all the blame.
One up could have been achieved, but one down it was.I thought I could handle all of this, I could handle the
what ifs. The what if all these goes wrong. Now I know I'm incapable of such. It's just hard to imagine the past few months, what it was like, how great I felt. Now this all feels like crap, especially with external work piling up onto myself.
I felt a much better person, but now I'm back to my old self. Nothing but imperfections. Trust me, imperfections are good, but too much will just throw you off. I'm not disappointed with anyone really, just more with myself. It was my choice that this happened, even when I warned myself to prevent it. I think I've lost more than I gained, although some things that I gained is quite valuable to me now. It's like a substitution. Take off Fernando Torres, you lose your main threat in front of goal, but on comes Ryan Babel, and you add more directness and energy that Torres may not have had to offer. Well it's like that, for some gains, you lose. The extent of your loss? It's how you count it. Different people have different ways of valuing the loss.
I also think a lot now, even though it's on different things. There was a nice hiatus of this thinking of mine a month or two ago. But it all seems to be coming back. Now with this, one huge gain is that I trust myself better, I trust my instincts better. Instincts guide your feelings, at times, if you didn't know. I trust my instincts to guide my feelings better in the future. Or tomorrow onwards. I hope it doesn't fail me again, and I hope it gives me much more courage too. Only some people will get that last bit.
Still, I just want to thank some people, even though they've hurt me quite a bit before. They've made me tougher, although sometimes more emotionally-hardened. I've seen almost all of it before, I've thought bout it before, but sometimes I ponder: "Is it really worth it?" And just think I'm foolish. But when I get to the situation again, I think totally differently and act weirdly.
I want more out of myself. I want to push myself more. I want better friendships. I want better relations. I want much more than I already have, and it's those intangible things that counts more to me now more than ever, and more than I could have imagined a couple of years ago. I would gladly trade some things for having one, yes just one, better friendship. I
want something to get back to the way it was, the way it was before my feelings started screwing up, and before I tried something
awfully stupid. I do regret it, but just for the record, I've totally given up. No more.
This is probably the first time I've posted something that came out so easily and didn't take much thinking to get out, 'cos most of it was from the heart. If you read all the way and see this, thanks! If you just skipped the boring bits and see this, no comments.
My phrase recently...
let's make the best out of our lives.I want to, I just find it so, soo hard.
Bye.
my thoughts at 12:21 am